Here's the thing. I like to say that I don't really care what people think, but with everyone's life on the internet these days, it's really hard not to. Just over 4 months ago I became a mother to my beautiful daughter, Addison. As all mom's out there can testify, I have never loved someone so much and I have wanted to give her everything- all my love, time, attention, etc, and that's when I realized that in order to do that I needed to get rid of my Facebook page for many reasons, but the main reason is that many of my friends were having babies too or already had babies and I knew from experience that I would instantly start comparing what I did with Addison, how I dressed her, and how she was being raised to how all my friends were raising their babies. That sounds ridiculous, right? Why should I care how everyone else is dressing their babies? But the thing is that I did even though I didn't want to, and I would compare myself to the extent that I seriously believed I was a bad mother because I didn't have a cute outfit on Addison every single day or because I had never ordered an $8 headband from Etsy. If someone took their six month old baby out to the pumpkin patch in October, I had thoughts like,
"Oh my heck, why haven't I done that?! I'm such a bad mom. This person is a way better mom than I am. I shouldn't even be a mom."
Talk about suffocating. I was luckily still smart enough to realize I had a 2 month old and what the heck would she do at a pumpkin patch besides freeze?? Anyway, these are minor examples of how toxic my thoughts became because of social media and me not being able to NOT compare myself to everyone around me. When that happened, I was paralyzed with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy that hindered my ability to love and care for Addison. It's the most frustrating thing in the entire world, and it's something that I am still working to overcome. Even before social media became prevalent, I would compare myself and now that everyone can post only the best moments in their day on the internet it makes it so much worse, and it really is hard for me to enjoy social media without feeling like I am lacking talent, beauty, smarts, etc. as a wife, mother, daughter, and person.
So, I took charge and deleted my Facebook leaving only my Instagram. I seriously have LOVED these last four months of being free from all the stuff the circulates on Facebook. I thought I would never activate it again until last month when I went to stake conference in my home ward with my parents. Their stake president shared how we have a responsibility to share the Gospel through social media, and that although there's a lot of things wrong with social media, we can't let that stop us from sharing goodness. My dad turned to me and said, "Has this convinced you to get it back? There's a lot of people who followed you and saw what you would post." I told him I wasn't ready to have it back yet, and that I couldn't help others if I was constantly being dragged down.
Well, it's a new year. Plus, as I was reading the January Ensign I found an article called "By Small and Simple Blogs" and it just reminded me what good can come from sharing our testimonies via the internet. Then today I actually checked my e-mail and realized I had a Facebook notification and guess what--- my stupid Facebook was open! I had activated it about a month ago to contact a family member, but I thought I had closed it again, nope. So, here we are again. I am refusing to let the ridiculous voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough get the better of me. That said, I still refuse to be a social media junkie. There are more important things.
Here's to a new year and a new start for social media and me.
Until next time,
Kellie
