I clutched the
pieces of my heart
you left behind
to my chest.
Slowly, I opened my
hand to count them.
Before I could finish
the wind blew them
in directions I couldn't
follow.
As I began to run
frantically after them,
I realized,
all too late,
I could never capture
all of those pieces again.
With no where else to go,
I turned my back
to the wind
and walked away.
----------
My heart pounded as I heard myself say, "I still love you. I haven't stopped loving you." Thoughtlessly he replied, "I was your first love."
As if...
as if he hadn't loved me.
As if it meant nothing to love for a first time.
As if I didn't qualify.
Then he added, looking anywhere but at me, "You'll probably always love me."
My heart stopped pounding.
I think it may have stopped beating.
I don't feel much anymore.
--------
Growing up--it really isn't as easy as they make it out to be. Graduate, go to college, get married, have a career, and a family... they say. Like it's that easy. They don't tell you about the confusion and the fear. They leave out the insecurity and doubt; they conveniently ignore that your heart will be irreplaceably broken, and sometimes you will feel that this is all there is in this thing we call life. Confusion, fear, doubt, insecurities, pain, and broken hearts. Amidst it all, they try to share with you thoughts and feelings of faith, hope, love, and believing in good things to come. Maybe sometimes they don't understand that it's those things that have brought you to where you are: broken, lonely, knowing you should again attempt to put those pieces back together, but, instead, for the time being, you'd rather stare at the broken pieces in your bloody hands and for once do absolutely nothing about it.
-------
Sometimes God puts us in situations that break us; He gives us people that will hurt us; He gives us what might feel are impossible trials to face, impossible to move beyond, and I think it's okay to let yourself hurt, to feel lost, and to not try and understand all the "why's" of the bad things that tear us apart. Sometimes I think that it is okay to feel nothing and to be afraid. It's never okay to cover up the hurt and confusion. You have to recognize it and let it out. Sometimes you might forget about God and want to ignore His plan, and maybe for a short while that's also okay. As long as you always remember that this is all part of His plan for you. As long as you always turn back to Him and remember He loves those He challenges, and that it is all for your good. As long as you do that, then you can always know that no matter what, you will be okay.
------
The confusion, anger, hurt,
and plain heartache that she
had felt for
so long, finally....
disappeared.
Still longing for a love she had
once felt,
she was able to look back without
a desire to be there
again.
Instead she felt
grateful
for how strong she had grown,
for surely she
must be among some of the
strongest
to have ever
existed
for she has truly felt the flames
of Hell
lick and hiss at her
and tell her lies that nearly ruined her.
She is
brave,
strong,
courageous.
She is beautiful and worthy
of only the best kind of
love.
With the flames extinguished,
she treads lightly on the ashes
that remain,
reminding her where
she has been.
-------
Alright, that's enough, right?! I'm super hesitant to share this, but at the same time I feel like it's important to share our experiences with other people because we all go through such similar experiences. We never go through anything alone. There's always someone who has been there, and there's always someone who understands. I'm so grateful that the Lord guides our lives, and that we are not in charge. I'm so grateful for the hard times that have led me to where I am and who I am today. The disappointments, setbacks, and broken hearts have truly been the best part of my life because I am where I am today. Our God is so good.
